"Sweets"est IEP Meeting I Never Had

Last night I dreamed that we were having Liza's IEP meeting for next year. Not sure why I'm dreaming about it because I am NOT prepared at all. One of my other children, one of the male persuasion who doesn't like to be mentioned much on "Mar's" (that's Mom for those of you without nutty teenage boys) blog, has a somewhat serious health issue going on and that's been my major focus for the last few weeks.

No worries about the kid. He's doing ok and they say that once he has surgery next week to remove the problem that we shouldn't have to worry about a recurrence of this particular issue. Thank God for that! But, it has added some extra stress to my already usually hectic life. I think he's a little stressed about it but mostly he makes jokes and uses it as an excuse to get out of chores. Example -  Me: What's up with you not doing your dishes? Him: I've been deathly ill Mar! Me: *eyes rolling all over the place*

This is my life.

So, back to my dream.

The school personnel, (the usual suspects: Assistant Principal, Reg Ed Teacher, SpEd Teacher, Speech Therapist, Psychologist) and I are all sitting at the table and I tell them that next year Liza IS going to be included in Reg Ed more than she was this year and if they can't figure out how to make it happen I will get an advocate to come to every meeting with me and take it even further if I have to. They all look at me like they can't believe I would say that to them. 

Then I say, "It's nothing against you all. I really do LIKE all of you but I LOVE my daughter!" then they're looking at me like I've really just  hurt their feelings. Like, why do I love Liza but not them?! LOL (my brain, she's nuts!)

That's when the School Psychologist, Lance Sweets (you know, the baby-faced psychologist from Bones) says to them, while smiling his cute little Sweetsie Smile at me, "That's actually very logical." and I know that he means EVERYTHING I just said and not just the part about liking them but loving Liza.

Then I woke up.

This one stands right up there with my All-Time Weirdest Dreams Ever. Anyone care to interpret?

Lost and Found Dreams

Darn, I seem to be really stuck on dreams here lately, huh? I do mean dreams but not the kind of dreams you have while you're sleeping. I mean the dreams of who you wanna be when you grow up.

The kind little girls have that go kinda like this, "I'm gonna go to college and become a teacher! And then I'm gonna get married to a guy who is funny like Daddy but has more hair. And we're gonna have 6 babies and name them Rosie, Molly, JonJon, Peter, Lexie, and Bob." (Not stolen from any actual little girls I've known or been but probably pretty close)

Or that little boys have that go like this, "I'm gonna be a firefighter and Veterinarian! And then an astronaut and a construction worker! And then I'm gonna be a garbage man so I can ride on the back of the garbage truck!" (very possibly a mish-mash of the preschool dreams of two little boys I love who aren't so little anymore - cough Austin/Noah cough )

Today I was reading some messages a couple other adoptive Mamas had shared. One of them was working on genealogy and found that a few generations back she had ancestors that had lived and worked in the town she is adopting her son from. How cool is that?! Then another Mama said she had looked through her middle school yearbook on a whim and found some notes she had written from back then on the region she had just been to and adopted her daughter from. I don't know about you, but that kinda stuff just gets me excited! It's like God holding a megaphone and shouting, "Hey! I knew what I was doing all along! Even when the thought of these children or any children being a part of your lives wasn't on the radar for you. I KNEW!" Isn't He good?

It made me think of when I was a little girl. I loved my baby dolls! Ask my Mama, she'll tell you how much I loved them. I had about a thousand quite a few of them, and it's a good thing I slept on a double-sized pullout sleeper couch cause ALL my babies had to sleep with me. Well, I couldn't leave any of them out! Are you nuts, and hurt their feelings?! No way!

I also used to say for years that I was gonna grow up and be a Mama. I was gonna be a Mama who had LOTS of babies, maybe even a hundred (I seriously told my Grandma and my Mom this, even started making a list of their names once). I can remember once telling my Mom that I was going to have lots of children some biological and some adopted. That we would be such a large family that we would need a newsletter to keep up with each other. I can still remember her smiling at me and saying something like, "You'll change your mind someday." At the time, No - I didn't think anything could change my mind. All I wanted to do was be a Mama to lots of kids, no matter where they might come from.

BUT, uh oh, there's that word. But. Can't ever be good after a story about a little girl's dream, right? Yeah....

Life kinda takes over, doesn't it? You have all these dreams and visions of what you want your life to be like but life is full of so many twists and turns that take us away, a lot of times, from the roads we think we need to be on to make those dreams come true. Until one day we wake up living a total different life than what we thought it would be like at 6 or 9 or 12 or even 15. Which, isn't always a bad thing. In some cases it could be a very similar life to the one imagined, only even better. Or much more than a little girl/boy could've ever dreamed. Or the little girl/boy simply allowed her/his dreams to evolve into something entirely different, but still their own as they grew up. Sometimes, though, the changes that life throws at us can cause our dreams to be completely disrailed and forgotten.

That's what happened to my dreams. Instead of marrying a good guy and beginning to raise a large family, I made some poor choices that led me to an unplanned pregnancy at 19 years old. Having a baby with a guy who I can now say did not deserve me. Once the shock wore off I was happy that I was going to be a Mom, but by this time in my life the dream of many babies from many places was forgotten (by me, but not by God). As the years went on, I found myself at 24 years old a single mom with TWO babies and trying to get back on my feet after finally gathering up the courage to leave that man that never deserved me. At this point in my life, after all I had gone through, I really felt that my two boys were the only children I would ever have and my dream was dead. It was as if that little girl with the dream of mothering many babies from many places had never existed. Isn't that sad?

But GOD! Don't you love how when He enters the picture you know Victory is coming? There is a reason we call Him the Redeemer. Not just because He's redeemed us from death to Life, but because He can take what we've broken or lost, or what's been stolen from us, and even what we've forgotten and redeem them; placing them back into our hands when we are ready for them again.

That's what He has done for me and for my dream of being a Mama to many. Ever since Rick and I were married and we started talking about adoption my dream slowly started coming back to me. Until one day I realized that the desire to have LOTS of children was coming back to me and the dreams I had as a little girl came flooding back. Memories that had been killed long ago were reawakened, and passions were rekindled.  The dreams of my childhood have been completely re-awoken in me to the point that I can't imagine doing anything else but chasing after this dream. Fleshing it out more and more as I go along. I was meant to be a Mama to many babies from many places. I even catch myself praying sometimes that God would fill our home with the Nations, just like the song by Hillsong that says, "Oh Lord I ask for the Nations". I can't wait to see how He's going to continue to make this dream come true. I know that it may not look like I imagine it but this  time I won't forget this dream that has been placed back into my hands. What a good Daddy he is!

Do you have a dream from your childhood that maybe you've forgotten? I believe that He gives us those dreams at a young age because we have such strong faith to believe that we can do whatever is in our hearts to do. So, don't be afraid to ask for your forgotten or even dead dreams back. I believe that He is faithful to give them back to us, I've seen Him do it for me :)

Missing Kids

I've been Dreaming again. Anyone remember why it can be dangerous when I dream? Especially if I'm dreaming of kids? Oh yeah, that's one of  the final signs that convinced me that we really were supposed to travel halfway across the World and bring this little treasure home.

I love it that God speaks to me in dreams. I don't really know why but I do, I think because they tell a story the way I can better understand. I am so much more a visual learner than anything else. God probably wants to hit me over the head so that I'll "get it" I sometimes think. When I dream and it feels so real, like it sticks with me for days, I know that God is speaking to me. Sometimes I'm not sure what the message is or I try to put my own spin on it, but He's given me good friends who can usually help me put the pieces together. Or the message is pretty simple and straight forward.

So, what's the point and where do the missing kids come into all this? Yeah.....

Lately, I've been having dreams of my own children, but they're children I've never met, or that I don't remember giving birth to. I have "lost" these children and can't seem to find them or even, sometimes, know where to begin to look for them. But, once I realize I'm missing them the urge to find them and make sure they are safe is so strong that I usually wake up with a yearning in my heart that I can't get rid of. I have dreamed a version of this dream at least three times that I can remember in the past couple weeks. Sometimes there are multiple children, sometimes only one. Sometimes boys and sometimes girls.

Last night I dreamed that I had given birth to a little girl, but I didn't remember it. I found out about her through a friend, I believe, and once I knew of her I had to find her. It seems that she had been born with a random genetic condition  and the doctors and nurses felt it was better for all if we didn't know of her, if we just forgot about her. (Sound Familiar to anyone?) When I found her she was alone, tiny, frightened, and I knew that she was slated for death. I took her and challenged any doctors, nurses or even well-meaning friends to stop me. They didn't.

What exactly does this dream or the others mean? I don't know. Maybe this latest one was just a different re-telling of Liza's story. She was alone, frightened, tiny, and she was destined for a place where her life would have held no importance to anyone. I challenged anyone to stop me from getting to her. They didn't.

 Maybe it means there are other children out there that are missing from our family? I really don't know, but I am praying that if there really are children missing from this family that God would make it clear and He would make a way. Of course, I already have a few that I would love to go and get if I just got the go ahead.

What I do know is that there are lots of children waiting for their families to find them. They ARE missing from their families and right now maybe their Moms and Dads don't even know they're missing them. I pray that God would reveal this to the ones who are supposed to parent these children. 

Missing Kids- all over the World. There are about 147 Million plus! Missing, but right under our noses. Please pray with me that their families would find them. Would realize they are missing them. Pray and ask God if maybe you are missing someone or a couple/few someones from your family. 

Dream a Little Dream.......

I keep having dreams about my daughter. Sometimes I get discouraged because this whole process can be so unpredictable. First we were adopting from China, then when China changed rules we looked to Vietnam, then the agency we were using turned out to be unethical. So now we are looking at as many waiting child lists as we can, hoping to eventually find our daughter that way. We even thought about just trying to get pregnant through IVF. I just can't bring myself to go that route when I know that there are so many children who need homes.

Last night I had another dream about traveling and bringing home a baby girl. I've had similar dreams and the little one is always Asian and always around 8 months old. And I usually(in the dream) always forget that I have a new baby and leave her in the nursery at church or forget to take her with me when I leave the house. Then I'm running trying to get back to her and bawling my eyes out!! SO UPSET WITH MYSELF!! What in the world do these dreams mean? I wake up from them missing my baby and feeling like they are signs that I will be a bad mom. Is this normal for moms who adopting?

One thing that I do think is that maybe these dreams are to keep me trudging along this path. That we do have a daughter out there and that we just need to keep keeping on and we will find her. I really hope that that's it. And that I'm not going nuts.