Monday, February 21, 2011

Lost and Found Dreams

Darn, I seem to be really stuck on dreams here lately, huh? I do mean dreams but not the kind of dreams you have while you're sleeping. I mean the dreams of who you wanna be when you grow up.

The kind little girls have that go kinda like this, "I'm gonna go to college and become a teacher! And then I'm gonna get married to a guy who is funny like Daddy but has more hair. And we're gonna have 6 babies and name them Rosie, Molly, JonJon, Peter, Lexie, and Bob." (Not stolen from any actual little girls I've known or been but probably pretty close)

Or that little boys have that go like this, "I'm gonna be a firefighter and Veterinarian! And then an astronaut and a construction worker! And then I'm gonna be a garbage man so I can ride on the back of the garbage truck!" (very possibly a mish-mash of the preschool dreams of two little boys I love who aren't so little anymore - cough Austin/Noah cough )

Today I was reading some messages a couple other adoptive Mamas had shared. One of them was working on genealogy and found that a few generations back she had ancestors that had lived and worked in the town she is adopting her son from. How cool is that?! Then another Mama said she had looked through her middle school yearbook on a whim and found some notes she had written from back then on the region she had just been to and adopted her daughter from. I don't know about you, but that kinda stuff just gets me excited! It's like God holding a megaphone and shouting, "Hey! I knew what I was doing all along! Even when the thought of these children or any children being a part of your lives wasn't on the radar for you. I KNEW!" Isn't He good?

It made me think of when I was a little girl. I loved my baby dolls! Ask my Mama, she'll tell you how much I loved them. I had about a thousand quite a few of them, and it's a good thing I slept on a double-sized pullout sleeper couch cause ALL my babies had to sleep with me. Well, I couldn't leave any of them out! Are you nuts, and hurt their feelings?! No way!

I also used to say for years that I was gonna grow up and be a Mama. I was gonna be a Mama who had LOTS of babies, maybe even a hundred (I seriously told my Grandma and my Mom this, even started making a list of their names once). I can remember once telling my Mom that I was going to have lots of children some biological and some adopted. That we would be such a large family that we would need a newsletter to keep up with each other. I can still remember her smiling at me and saying something like, "You'll change your mind someday." At the time, No - I didn't think anything could change my mind. All I wanted to do was be a Mama to lots of kids, no matter where they might come from.

BUT, uh oh, there's that word. But. Can't ever be good after a story about a little girl's dream, right? Yeah....

Life kinda takes over, doesn't it? You have all these dreams and visions of what you want your life to be like but life is full of so many twists and turns that take us away, a lot of times, from the roads we think we need to be on to make those dreams come true. Until one day we wake up living a total different life than what we thought it would be like at 6 or 9 or 12 or even 15. Which, isn't always a bad thing. In some cases it could be a very similar life to the one imagined, only even better. Or much more than a little girl/boy could've ever dreamed. Or the little girl/boy simply allowed her/his dreams to evolve into something entirely different, but still their own as they grew up. Sometimes, though, the changes that life throws at us can cause our dreams to be completely disrailed and forgotten.

That's what happened to my dreams. Instead of marrying a good guy and beginning to raise a large family, I made some poor choices that led me to an unplanned pregnancy at 19 years old. Having a baby with a guy who I can now say did not deserve me. Once the shock wore off I was happy that I was going to be a Mom, but by this time in my life the dream of many babies from many places was forgotten (by me, but not by God). As the years went on, I found myself at 24 years old a single mom with TWO babies and trying to get back on my feet after finally gathering up the courage to leave that man that never deserved me. At this point in my life, after all I had gone through, I really felt that my two boys were the only children I would ever have and my dream was dead. It was as if that little girl with the dream of mothering many babies from many places had never existed. Isn't that sad?

But GOD! Don't you love how when He enters the picture you know Victory is coming? There is a reason we call Him the Redeemer. Not just because He's redeemed us from death to Life, but because He can take what we've broken or lost, or what's been stolen from us, and even what we've forgotten and redeem them; placing them back into our hands when we are ready for them again.

That's what He has done for me and for my dream of being a Mama to many. Ever since Rick and I were married and we started talking about adoption my dream slowly started coming back to me. Until one day I realized that the desire to have LOTS of children was coming back to me and the dreams I had as a little girl came flooding back. Memories that had been killed long ago were reawakened, and passions were rekindled.  The dreams of my childhood have been completely re-awoken in me to the point that I can't imagine doing anything else but chasing after this dream. Fleshing it out more and more as I go along. I was meant to be a Mama to many babies from many places. I even catch myself praying sometimes that God would fill our home with the Nations, just like the song by Hillsong that says, "Oh Lord I ask for the Nations". I can't wait to see how He's going to continue to make this dream come true. I know that it may not look like I imagine it but this  time I won't forget this dream that has been placed back into my hands. What a good Daddy he is!

Do you have a dream from your childhood that maybe you've forgotten? I believe that He gives us those dreams at a young age because we have such strong faith to believe that we can do whatever is in our hearts to do. So, don't be afraid to ask for your forgotten or even dead dreams back. I believe that He is faithful to give them back to us, I've seen Him do it for me :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is absolutely beautiful, Melissa!!! Love ya, Cheryl