My Father's Love

Every Sunday morning at church I find myself praying for breakthrough with this adoption. There are so many babies there and all the little girls are off to the right of where we sit dancing and twirling their flags. It's such a sweet sight and always makes me long for a baby of my own. A sweet little girl to dress up and some day watch as she twirls and dances with her Heavenly Daddy. I love watching them but it is kind of bittersweet. Wanting so badly what we are not able to make happen on our own. Waiting with our fate in someone else's hands just to be granted the privilege and blessing of adding another child to our family. Sometimes I think I feel like a woman who is unable to conceive must feel, but then I feel guilty because I have had the pleasure of carrying a child and giving birth. I have that experience where they may never get that chance. I can see now that I did not truly appreciate what a gift it was. I mean, I recognized it was a miracle. I remember staring at Austin and thinking what a miracle he was and how God had entrusted me to care for His little precious ones. But, I took for granted the gift I had been given in being able to conceive and give birth. Now that we no longer have that option I can see that. I'm not saying that if I could get pregnant again we wouldn't adopt. I have actually in the past said that even if we could get pregnant I would want to adopt because there are kids who need families. I also think that God uses the inability to grow your family "on your own" to show that He has more than one plan and to remind us of the orphans.

Anyway, I get a little carried away sometimes. But just really needed to get those feelings out. What I really wanted to share was that during this morning's service watching the beautiful little girls and admiring all the babies was nice. But, the worship was better and I kept praying to see Jesus' face. I have just been so hungry for his presence lately and that along with our adoption has been my plea during every worship service for a few months now. Today He answered in a way that was unexpected and so sweet. Just the way that He knew would get to me. He's so awesome!! This is how He shared himself with me today.



I know it's only a four leaf clover but to me it was Jesus' face today. Is that wrong to say? Or maybe the two lovely gentleman who gave it to me were.

My husband's buddy, Mike and his beautiful little boy D*** saw me sitting on the bench in the foyer. Mike stopped little D*** and whispered to him and then they came over and offered me what they had found.

It's special to me because I have been thinking about clovers for a while now. Even though they are now taking over my flower garden I can't bring myself to pull them out. When I was a little girl I loved them, I was always looking for them in our yard. I always remember the story of Saint Patrick and how he used the three leaf clover to represent the Trinity and the other day I read about how the Chapman's have been comforted by finding four-leaf clovers and feeling that they are God's way of showing that Maria is in God's arms. How beautiful is that?

Is he telling me that he has our baby in his arms and I just need to trust in him? I don't know. I only know that He loves me enough to send someone to find exactly what he knew would speak to my heart and then deliver it to me on a day when I needed it. How can you not love a Father that wonderful?

P.R.I.D.E.

We went to our first foster care training class on Monday evening. I'm excited, but nervous at the same time. We have been down this road before and our experience with that other agency was not pleasant in the end. I am always afraid that new agencies will judge us because of the issues we had with that other one. That's the issue going on with our private homestudy. She had to speak to them and now she has to get our side of the story before she will move forward. I hate that they would say negative things when they should know first hand the need for people to step up and be foster and adoptive parents. Unfortunately, it's all about covering their own butts with them. I just checked back and don't think I've ever even posted about our experience with them because, 1. I'm afraid no one will believe that we weren't at fault and 2. I'm kind of afraid they would find out somehow and be even more determined to make sure we can never adopt. The director has done her best to make me believe this even though when our relationship with them ended she assured us we would be able to pursue foster care with another agency if we chose. I guess we are about to find out.

Whew, I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. I just hope I don't regret it later. I really am looking forward to giving foster care another shot. I think we know a little more of what to expect this time and will better be able to look out for ourselves and not have a repeat of last time. Plus we are going to specifically request to have young children placed with us. We're just planning to roll with the tide and see where this road leads.

We are also still waiting to hear about our other homestudy but at the rate that's going we may be licensed to foster and have a placement before it's finished.

Awesome!

I read this article about "Operation Cross Country" and I got all excited. Now if we could just see this begin to happen world-wide. I'm still praying and still hope to some day see a huge prayer movement, possibly even a day where all of us whose hearts are burdened on this issue are praying and fasting together.

Two points mentioned in this article bothered me. One was that some of the kids were called "thrown-aways". How can you just turn your back on your child and leave the to fall prey to those who would use them in this way? Maybe this is an area where the foster care or system or what have you should have stepped up? Does this point to a lack there? I guess I'm just wondering how these kids fell through the cracks and I know that whatever the system may try they can't know of every bad situation that could turn this way. The other thing was that it said the case aren't easy to convict. How can this be? And why does it need to cross state lines to make it easier? This tells me that something is missing somewhere in our laws. If children are being forced into prostitution and the law knows about it it shouldn't be hard to convict those who are using these kids. That makes sense to me but sometimes laws just don't make sense.

Anyway, it's good news and possibly a good start. I wish I could do more than pray. I want to actually be able to do something. When I was a kid I loved reading about the abolitionists and thought they were awesome for what they did, helping bring freedom to those who were being denied that right. Back then, I had no idea that slavery still existed today. I want to be an abolitionist

Oh, And......

As for the disappearing social worker and the dangerous ice cream machines? Well, if you are not paying attention while you're cleaning one of those big ice cream machines (the kind they use in ice cream parlors) and you bend over too close to the spout you poor the milk into you're probably going to go home with a nice size egg on your head.

It wouldn't be nice for me to wish that my social worker would have a run-in with that ice cream machine, would it?

I'm Backkkkk!!

All right, I guess I need to explain the esophagus reference. Last Monday(my day off of work)Rickydoodle, The Boys, and I went to town and roamed around a bit. After we drove all over the place and Rickydoodle looked at a few cars, while The Boys and I just looked at each other, we all decided we were hungry and since we had a gift card to one of our fave Big Chain Italian Restaurants we should go there for lunch. Sounded like a great plan so that's what we did. We were seated, ordered our food and got the Big Bowl of Salad to share. Everything is running smoothly, just like you would expect. Until I took a bite of salad, swallowed, and, "Uh OH!", something was not going so smoothly anymore. I don't know what I did but I just knew I had something stuck in my throat! I drank lots of water, nothing; I coughed and gagged, nothing; Rickydoodle tried hitting me on the back, nothing! So, we ended up in the ER and after being there for about FIVE hours the doctor finally came and told me he was pretty sure that I had scratched my esophagus and it would heal on its own after a couple weeks. He gave me a prescription for Magic Mouthwash and told me to eat only soft foods for a while then he sent me home. What a way to spend my day off! And the food we ordered we took in doggy bags, but after five hours in our car we were afraid to eat it. What a way to spend our gift card!

I look at that now and can see the humor in it. I am still trying to figure out how in the world you can scratch your esophagus on a bite of SALAD!? Really?! Plus, I am usually a pretty fun loving, easy going person and when I told my sister what happened to me, She laughed! :) Oh, and if you ever scratch your esophagus, EAT CHOCOLATE PUDDING! I don't know what it was about that pudding but after the first spoonful I no longer had the sensation of having something wedged in my throat. It was like a miracle to me. Plus it was chocolate and I had a great excuse to eat as much as I wanted! So there you go.

At the time it was scary and I just kept asking God what was going on. We were already stressed over our HS and dealing with a Social Worker who was MIA, Rick's truck just up and quit on us, and then I end up in the ER. I have to say now, that I can list some good that I saw after the fact. Sometimes I think that He just has to put us in a place when it seems so rough that we have no choice but to step back and reevaluate. That day I realized that my husband really does mean it when he says that he doesn't know what he would do without me. He was right there for me all day and held my hand when I was so scared I just cried. Church family came by the hospital to sit with us and pray with us. One of the pastors even sat out in the waiting room with our kids until my mom came to pick them up. Others called and prayed for me over the phone. I saw the Love of Jesus, through their love for me.

So, I guess, it wasn't such a bad way to spend a day off after all. In the grand scheme of the whole thing. Now, that's not saying I want to do it again anytime soon!

I know your Mama said.....

"If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all!" Right? Mine did, as did Grandma, and Great-Grandma. That's what's been up with me. Just haven't felt like there was anything nice to say and hate to be a complainer. I think that things may be turning around and even if not I have decided that I have plenty of reasons to remember that I am blessed.

I'll elaborate on stuff later, it's past my bedtime. But here's just a few hints into what's been going on with me.

-Scratching your esophagus is NO fun!
-Social Workers can disappear if they choose.
-Ice Cream machines can be dangerous weapons if you're not paying attention.

McCain on Adoption

One reason I will be voting for McCain. Besides the fact that I am a, {gasp}, REPUBLICAN! I know, to some, that makes me a horrible one-eyed monster, but whatever. I am what I am, as Popeye said.

I think if we want to see real reform begin in the state of foster care and adoption here in the US, which means more kids have homes instead of languishing in the system, then perhaps he's the man we need in office. The war is a big deal, gas prices stink, but kids are my number one priority and if McCain is someone who can begin to help make changes then McCain is who I want to see be our next president.

Update on the Update

I really want. to. SCREAM.

Remember I posted about the Adoption Update? Well, I spoke too soon. Social Worker was taking forever to get back to us as to whether she was finished so we finally called her and she has found something else she needs before she can be done. I am so frustrated and angry. I really feel like a lot of this has just been her way of holding us up in hopes LB will be matched with someone else. She does not want us to adopt her and they were supposed to have her staffing May 1st.

All I can do is pray, I know that God has promised that she is our child. I have been questioning it and thinking that I was mistaken, but I know that what He spoke was what He meant. During church this morning I started looking up verses that dealt with promise, Hebrews 11:33 seemed to be the one that spoke to me: "...through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions,". I'm praying for favor, that the mouths of the lions would be shut, and that Rick and I would both continue to have faith.

Will you pray with us? I am so tired of all this. I just want to have this homestudy done and be officially matched with my child.