Rose Colored Cynicism

I wonder if anyone else ever feels like they have two people living inside them? I don't mean like a split personality or anything like that. I just mean, do you ever feel like there are two sides of you that don't seem to be compatible?

I'll use my own thoughts as an example. Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I feel like there are two separate Melissas living inside me.

One is a Rose Colored Glasses kinda girl who believes that there's some good in almost everyone and that this World is basically a decent place. She loves to watch "Fluff" TV and read Amish fiction. She also has a strong desire to save the World. To help the orphans and the down-trodden and to be a friend to the ones that no one else even sees.

Rose Colored Glasses Melissa

The other is a more cynical Melissa who isn't sure if you can ever really trust anyone besides your immediate family (and sometimes not even them). Who knows that there are bad people in this World and you have to guard yourself and your children against allowing those people to have a place in your life or the ability to hurt you. She likes to read suspenseful novels and watch post-apocalyptic TV. This Melissa wants to help others but sometimes feels overwhelmed by the needs and isn't sure that ANYTHING will ever really change.

Cynical Melissa

Sometimes I don't mind that these two Melissas coincide in me. I really believe that Rose Colored Glasses (RCG) Melissa is the reason that I hung in there through all of the speed bumps in Liza's adoption and how I was able to love her before I ever met her. Yet, Cynical (C) Melissa kept me grounded and learning about all of the issues that could be expected with an adopted child. So, when it wasn't what RCG Melissa expected in the first few days of meeting L, it wasn't as bad a blow and we (Liza and I) pushed on through it. Now, L loves her Mama deeply, and Mama loves her even more than she did then.

Is anyone still here? Or have you all run away from the crazy girl who's talking about herself as if she's two people? I know I'm really just me - it's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm alone in feeling like this? And sometimes my "two people" don't seem to get along so well. C Melissa tends to take over at times and make RCG Melissa feel like she's weak. That's when I  have days like I posted about yesterday. C Melissa wears me out and RCG Melissa has to take over and get us all decompressed. Sheesh! They need to learn to get along!

So, how about it? Anyone else ever feel like this? Is it a woman thing? Tell me I'm not alone people! Or just make me laugh. That'll work too.

I'll go first with the "making laugh". Cause RCG Melissa doesn't like it when we get too serious. And because it's so true....

Taken from: https://www.facebook.com/EcoMamaGreenClean

Zombies vs Bridezillas

Wanna know my dirty little secret? 

I LOVE to watch Say Yes to the Dress! Seriously, I do. 
I know its crazy. A girl in the midst of a divorce watching a show about happy young brides finding their perfect wedding dress. 

Freud would love me... 
Whatever, I always thought he was a weirdo anyway. 

In my defense, I live with 2 boys who love to watch shows about zombies eating folks, Heroes saving the World/killing each other, mushroom clouds destroying U.S. cities, etc, etc.. 

And, ok, I like to watch most of them too, but after a while I need something to take my mind away from all the scenarios my boys' fave shows throw it into. 

I find myself planning what we would do if our neighbors suddenly became Zombie Police Chief and Zombie Teacher. Scoping out which neighbors might make good allies. If they aren't infected by "the illness". How to get to Georgia, where my Godsister actually knows how to make food grow out of the ground, if a mushroom cloud hits D.C and wipes out all technology.

Or I dream about them. For example: Last night I dreamed my kids and I were chased into and trapped in a cave by somebody's zombie ex-husband. 

Woke me up 30 minutes before my alarm. That is not cool.

So, if I need a little time with some Southern Belle brides and their Bridezilla wedding dress shopping, I think I've earned it. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I just discovered my Bridezilla friends are on Netflix and Monte's getting ready to "jack somebody up".

Elizaveta Collette - 2+ years home

This is what I call her "orphanage Nanny" face.
She makes this face when I'm fussing at her... lol

Look at this gorgeous child! I (mostly) love it when she makes the above face at me, it cracks me up. Which makes it hard to be serious when I have to get on to her for something. She likes to think she is the one in charge and she doesn't take it kindly when I try and let her know that, in fact, I am the one in charge. You can't help but love this kid!

Look at all those first day K emotions! This makes me smile.

Elizaveta Collette is in Kindergarten now and really loves going to school. She likes circle time and anything to do with letters - because she knows them all (she's a smarty!). She has a favorite friend whose name is Trace and every time they are in the same room she has to be right next to him. Her teacher says he seems to enjoy her too. All I hear at home is "Kwace, Kwace". I think I like "Kwace", for now. We'll re-evaluate in a few years. Funny story: Trace has a twin named Chase who's in another class. One day Liza met Chase and her Aide said she just kept giving him the evil eye cause she knew it wasn't Trace, but just wasn't sure why he looked like Trace. Wish I could've been there.

Preschool!

Last year Liza went to Preschool at a local private preschool. The county wanted her to go to Kindergarten but I thought she needed an extra year of preschool, and it was SO good for her. I'm glad I stuck to my guns and allowed her that extra time.She loved her teachers and the encouragement of her friends at school was really beneficial to her and good for me as her mom. They would all be so excited for her when she would use a new word or when she chose to be a "nice friend" rather than ummm, a not so nice friend. Ahem....

She loved this bird we met at the pet store. I'm pretty sure he liked her too.

Summer 2012

Liza has come so far from the little girl she was in the orphanage, but yet she's still the same little girl that I met over two years ago. Sassy, sweet, bossy, and a whole lot of fun to hang out with. Every day I feel so blessed that I get to be her Mama, and yet, I still sometimes feel so sad for the ones who weren't able to parent her and experience the amazing gift that she is. I hope they know, somehow, that she's loved and beautiful. That she makes people smile and laugh everyday. She's the best girl ever!

Zuka

I know you all want an update on Liza and I am working on putting one together. Here's a little preview of the little Turkey, aka Lizabelle, aka Zuka (she insists on calling herself Zuka lately- it was one of her nicknames in the orphanage). She's cute, sweet, nutty, stubborn, gorgeous, and a Supreme MESS.

I promise I will have more pics and more of an update soon. Blogger and I are getting reacquainted and she seems to be a bit miffed at me for being away so long.

Now What?

Now that I'm "Free to be Me" (Lord, I think it's gonna stick), I'm looking forward to all the things that I can do. All the dreams that have lain dormant in me that I can now bring to life without constant negativity and being told I'll never be able to do it. I used to actually even tell myself some of those things but I've learned to believe in myself.

One of my current dreams is to buy a small house on a couple-few acres and raise some goats, chickens, and kids (the human kind). We'll throw some vegetable gardens in there and be real-life farmers. I had this dream BEFORE that Super Bowl commercial, just so y'all know. And, if you've never wanted to have goats you should watch the video below. I bet you'll change you're mind!



Another dream of mine is to open an online store, Furious and Faire, that might become a brick/mortar store someday. Selling handmade/fairly traded items and working with ministries that give a hand up to those in need, sometimes by providing them with opportunities to sell their handiwork. Each month I want to feature a ministry or organization that actively works in the arena of Social Justice (orphans, human trafficking, feeding the hungry, domestic violence, etc). So far, I have a blog for my store set up and am working on getting it ready to actually do business. You can learn more about it by going to Furious and Faire's Who and What page.

I'd also REALLY like to go back to school. I'd love to someday have a JD/MSW degree (that's a dual Law and Social Work degree). Does that sound crazy coming from a single working mom of 3? Yeah, maybe, but I've decided that even if they're crazy dreams I am going to chase them down until I fulfill them or until I hit a brick wall. I've discovered though, that even hitting brick walls isn't really a stopping point. It's just a slight slow-down until I can dig a big enough hole under it to crawl through.

That's where I'm hoping to go from here. It feels good to be back.

Is it Safe to Come Out?

It should probably really be a crime for me to take a year+ hiatus from my blog and then think I can come back and just start right up again. But, as far as I know it's not. So, that's what I'm going to attempt to do. You all ready? Is anyone actually still here?

I'm gonna try to do the Reader's Diges.. (can I use that here?) Version of what's been going on in my life and once that's behind me I hope to get back to blogging on a more regular basis.

BIG SIGH

Here we go:

Sometime near the end of August 2011 my children and I left our home and my husband. I'm not going to go into the why's of it. I'll just say, if you had lived with him you probably wold have left too, and sooner than I did.

Because I left my husband and "broke covenant" most of my friends from our church stopped talking to me. Well, that's once they had told me that I was "placing my children above my husband" and how wrong that was.

It took a while to get to a place where I felt like I knew who I was again and to feel safe sharing my life with others. But, I am in that place now and I am looking forward to getting back into the community of bloggers that I left behind. I hope I'll be welcomed back.

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I hope you'll come back for tomorrow's post. I'm gonna share where I'm hoping to go now that I'm free to be me! (haha, is that cliche'? I'm not sure I care!)