No Longer Worthless - Thanks For That

"Abuse is all about getting and keeping power and control. A person who lives in fear and who has been shamed into a sense of personal worthlessness is a person who is much easier to control. Abusers know this. They know it by nature. They didn't have to take a course to learn it. It is who they are." Pgs 75-76 of "A Cry for Justice"

I read that on the "A Cry for Justice" Facebook page the other day and the "personal worthlessness" part stuck out to me, because I had picked up that "sense" somewhere along the way. That's why I always ended up in relationships with men who only wanted to use me and/or abuse me. I know that now and I feel that I've overcome that feeling of not being worth anything. In fact, I think I had begun to overcome it BEFORE I ever left my marriage and I was shocked to realize that I have some of the people who have since turned their backs on me to thank for helping me begin that overcoming.

I'm not sure how they're going to feel about that, and honestly I don't care, because this is my story and my journey - they only played a small part in it.

So, to you, the one who taught me to play piano and constantly told me how awesome, funny, amazing, and "Christ-like" I was: Thank you for that! You planted the seeds to help me to begin to realize that I DID have worth and that my children and I didn't deserve to live in the environment we'd been in for too long.

Even though you used manipulation, guilt, and fear tactics to try to get me to return to that environment and "pray it out". Even though you turned on me, and turned your back on me, when I refused. Even though you talked about me, and others you used to love and affirm and our "mistakes", on your blog. I can see now that I owe you at least a small debt of appreciation for planting those seeds. I am 100% serious about this.

I've only alluded to one person here, but there were others. They were good friends to me - until I left on oppressive situation, and yeah, that was hard but it was their friendship that helped to begin to build me back up. I've been able to build on what they started in the two years that I've been free and I feel like I am returning to the person that I was always supposed to be.

I really do appreciate that.

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*If you think you may be in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, or if your partner has ever been physically abusive towards you/children/pets, I would really encourage you to read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. You may even be able to find it in your local library, I did. You can also check out this list at The Hotline - there is a number you can call to talk to someone confidentially. Even if your partner is a Christian, a pastor, a high standing member of your church, etc, abuse of any kind towards you and/or your children is NOT ok and you DON'T have to endure it. Christ calls you to freedom and He doesn't ask you to endure oppression by anyone.*

Things I Ponder: Faith in Jesus or Faith in the Church?

*I started writing this over a year ago. When I first left my marriage and was dealing with people I thought were my Christian "friends" treating me as if I were the enemy and the one in the wrong. Since then I really don't feel I identify with the "Church" at all and don't evven like to be called a Christian. Do I still believe in Jesus? Yeah, I do. But, I don't think I'll ever go back to being a "Christian" again.*

For a while now I've been pondering some things that probably won't have me too popular with "The Church" at large, but I've decided that I have to be honest with myself and stop being afraid to say what I believe. I saw a quote taken from To Kill a Mockingbird today that seemed to put my feelings on the subject into words:

They're certainly entitled to think that, and they're entitled to full respect for their opinions... but before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience. ~ spoken by the character Atticus 


I know that my views on some things aren't going to be shared by a whole lot of people that I've considered friends for years, but I'm ok with that as long as they are. It's when I am treated as "ungodly" or as if I have lost my love for the Lord or I'm disrespected that I begin to have a problem with us having differing opinions. And, I've come to notice that there is far too much of that going on in the Church. It makes me realize why some folks are so against going to church or getting involved with anything Christian at all. But, for me, it's not about the Church and where I stand with "them", it's about Jesus. I have to know where I stand with Him. I have to place my faith in Him and pray everyday that I'm following His heart and not mine. This next quote pretty much sums up what I mean: 


The church is human, and we make mistakes. Sometimes we don't represent God very well at all. But Jesus represented God perfectly as the incarnation of God. He loved the people his culture didn't love, he interacted with people he wasn't supposed to interact with, and he refused to distance himself from the people others called "sinners." Jesus' harsh words were aimed at the religious leaders of his day who, in their zeal for correct doctrine, were pushing people away from God. He didn't run for office or yell at sinners through a bullhorn. He loved, healed, and fed people, and then he let them beat him and hang him on a cross. - in answer to a question about why be a Christian after being battered by The Church.


This quote comes from a Q/A article with a young man who is gay but also happens to be Christian.... wait, you didn't know those two things could go together? I'd say you need to take that up with Jesus. Anyway, this young man, Justin Lee, is the Director of The Gay Christian Network, and author of the book, "Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays vs Christians Debate. The article I mentioned can be found on Rachel Held Evans' blog. I felt like his response was a perfect answer to not only the way he and other's who identify as homosexual have been treated by people in the church but the way that many many others, myself included, have been treated at various times. Simply because we don't look or act like the Christians that the "Church" thinks we should look or act like.

So, that makes me think and ask: Christians who are aiming harsh words at the people Jesus would be loving: who/what is your faith really in? The Church? Or Jesus? 

Is it Safe to Come Out?

It should probably really be a crime for me to take a year+ hiatus from my blog and then think I can come back and just start right up again. But, as far as I know it's not. So, that's what I'm going to attempt to do. You all ready? Is anyone actually still here?

I'm gonna try to do the Reader's Diges.. (can I use that here?) Version of what's been going on in my life and once that's behind me I hope to get back to blogging on a more regular basis.

BIG SIGH

Here we go:

Sometime near the end of August 2011 my children and I left our home and my husband. I'm not going to go into the why's of it. I'll just say, if you had lived with him you probably wold have left too, and sooner than I did.

Because I left my husband and "broke covenant" most of my friends from our church stopped talking to me. Well, that's once they had told me that I was "placing my children above my husband" and how wrong that was.

It took a while to get to a place where I felt like I knew who I was again and to feel safe sharing my life with others. But, I am in that place now and I am looking forward to getting back into the community of bloggers that I left behind. I hope I'll be welcomed back.

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I hope you'll come back for tomorrow's post. I'm gonna share where I'm hoping to go now that I'm free to be me! (haha, is that cliche'? I'm not sure I care!)

My Hero Of The Day

Carolyn is my hero of the night. I was supposed to shut it down and go to sleep a while back but found myself at her blog, thanks to Kim :), and was blown away. It was totally worth the sleep I'm gonna be missing in the morning!

Go check it out! Come on don't be chicken, you know you want to.....