Friday, August 8, 2008

Music and Life-"I Wonder"

DISCLAIMER: I cried writing this post, but still felt it needed to come out and be shared. We all have experienced something that can help others who are hurting. I hope ya'll don't mind me being real :)

This song made me cry today. It chokes me up every time I hear it, but today it was a little closer to home. See, my ex, and my boys' bio dad, has been released from prison and has been trying to contact me. I heard through the grapevine that what he wants is to give up his rights to the boys so that he's not obligated to pay child support. Can't say I didn't see that one coming, as sad as it is.

I wonder a lot of times how my boys will feel about their bio dad as they get older. Will they forgive him for not choosing to be a part of their lives? For choosing drugs, alcohol, and partying over them? And I try to reconcile that with how I feel about my own bio dad, who has been an alcoholic all my life and most of his own. I do know that even after all these years, and especially now that I am a parent myself, it's so hard to understand how a mother or father cannot summon the courage and will to change in order not to lose their child/children. Wouldn't I do anything I needed in order to keep my children with me or at least have the privilege to have them in my life? That's the type of question I avoided as a kid because the answers were too painful for me then. Now, I know that it's not about what I was or wasn't but about what my dad was incapable of doing and the blame falls squarely on his shoulders.

It also makes me think of any children who will come into our home through foster care. Separated from their parents by choices that those parents have made. Especially if the choices the parents made lead to the kids not being able to return home. How is that going to leave those children feeling? How will that effect the relationships that we will hope to build with them?

Honestly, I'm thankful that I have my own experiences to fall back on now. I know what it's like to wonder why my parent couldn't change for me. To wish that things could be different. I hope to be able to share that with my own boys and our foster/adoptive children as needed. I'm thankful for a Father God who showed me many years ago that He was always there, always the Father that I thought I was missing out on. I'm also thankful for a stepfather who was there and loved me in his quiet way, even when I didn't want to accept that love. I hope that I'll be able to do the same for all the hurting ones that God sees fit to send my way.

1 comment:

His Hands His Feet Today said...

You are going to be a great foster mom! God has given you real life "raw" experiences that he will turn into sweet healing moments in the very near future!

He uses ALL THINGS for good!!!!