Monday, August 18, 2008

Questioning Along the Journey

Hmmm... How to put down what's been on my heart since we finished PRIDE training? I have gone back and forth with myself a million times about this post because I'm not sure I can convey what I'm really feeling, but it won't get out of my head. I do think that others in similar situations, whether adopting from foster care or perhaps even a poverty stricken nation, have felt the same. I believe we need to share with each other so we don't feel alone, I know it wouldn't hurt for me to know I'm not the only one.

This is my ordeal lately. I want to parent more children. Desperately. I have always wanted to be a mom and wanted to be a mom to many. No big deal, right? We're adopting, it will happen eventually.

The thing is the route we have chosen to lead us to our children means that our children will possibly be coming out of horrible circumstances, which will lead to them being taken from their families. Not relinquished by a mother who wants a better life for them or is unable to parent, but taken by the foster care system for the children's own welfare. We're going into this knowing that we may only be meant to be a family for some kids for a time and someday maybe our promised child will come to us through a foster/adopt situation.

It's this maybe that's got me thinking so much lately, and feeling guilty at times too. I have been praying for a long time for this promised baby girl and now that we are finished with PRIDE and actually have a home study I find myself praying even more. Especially on days like today when it seems I am surrounded by others with beautiful little blessings in their arms and I'm reminded of what I want so much but am still waiting for. I pray, and ask God why. "Why did you promise me a baby, Lord, and here I am still waiting?", "Please, Lord, please let them call soon." And usually as soon as this one flies from my lips I am hit with the guilt. I start thinking, "Wait, in order for them to call that will have to mean that they've had to remove a child." That possibly this child has been abused. Does this mean that I am praying for something like this to happen? That's not what I want. I don't want some parents to harm their child so that I can gain. But, yet, I know that it does occur, everyday. Even right here in our small little corner of Virginia. People hurt their kids, they allow them to be put in dangerous situations, and they abandon and neglect them. I have even seen it first-hand when I taught preschool.

So, I'm not trying to say that I want to benefit from this happening but I do know that things like this go on. I am saying that I am glad my family is ready, willing, and able to step to the plate for kids who have been hurt, in one way or another. I think after all the roadblocks that we've hit and how smoothly the training for PRIDE went, and we have such a peace now about working with this team, I think this is the path we were supposed to take all along. We just thought that we could do it our own way for a while and God would just follow along. When He was just waiting for us to take off the blinders and follow him.

So, where does my guilt fall in with all this? If this is the road God wants us on and He has promised us this child we have been praying for then this is how she will be joining our family. I have a lot of questions and not so many answers right now. But, hey, that's the way it often goes! AM I the only one who has ever felt this way?


Angel said...

I can definitely understand those feelings. As adoptive mommies we become so crazy aware that these little ones who bring us such joy come out of such pain. Adoption is such a mixed miracle. I can clearly see your heart though. You don't want to cause pain... you want to care for a little one who has been rescued from it. :0) Angel

Christina said...

I think any adoptive parent who has taken the time to really think about the nature of adoption - that it always comes from tragedy - there is the guilt that our happiness springs from others' sadness. But I also choose to see the miracle in it - that God can bring great joy out of great tragedy. And in your case, I think it's okay to pray "God please let our future child be delivered from his/her difficult circumstances as soon as possible" ... you are not praying for anything bad to happen, you are praying for the opportunity to give a child the love and care they deserve.

Amber said...

First of all....thank you for your sweet comment on my blog...encouragement is always good. :^) are so "normal" whaterver that looks like...;^)at least in my's normal. He already knows who is coming to your home....isn't that cool to think about????
Anyway, I look forward to following your journey!!!!

Melissa :) said...

This is a really great post. So much from your heart. You're almost transparent.

We never know the 'whys'. Just know that God did choose this path for you. No, of course you don't want any child to be neglected or abused. But, if you didn't take this path, who could those children turn to? They need you. They need you as much as you need them.

Keep posting. Keep sharing. We're all listening. xoxo :)

Elaine said...

Christina said exactly what I wanted to say: you aren't praying for something bad to happen to a child so that you can gain, you are praying that a child who is already going through something bad will be delivered quickly from that situtaion.