The Greatest Daddy

When I was really young my parents got divorced. I grew up not knowing my Bio Dad and not having a close Father/Daughter type relationship with my Step-dad. Most of my girlfriends all had that close relationship with their dads. You know what I mean, where Daddy is the best guy in the World, when he gets home from work you run to give him a hug, it's no big deal to just curl up on Dad's lap while you both watch TV. I never understood it, but I knew instinctively that I was missing out on something. It bothered me for many years and is probably why for too long I allowed myself to fall for the wrong kind of guy just to feel like a man cared for me.

When I was pregnant with Austin and found myself alone living with friends I started going to Church and rededicated my life to the Lord. One night I was laying in my bed thinking of my baby soon to arrive and really feeling the "loss" of a DADDY throughout my life. I was crying and asking God why I never was allowed to have a Daddy/Daughter relationship like so many of my friends had with their dads. This was His answer to me:

"MY Child, you have never been without a Daddy. I've ALWAYS been with you."

That night I finally got it and have never forgotten, even when I have wandered off my own way. God is my Daddy, He is the greatest Daddy I could ever hope or dream of having.

Music and Life: Zephaniah 3:17

Did you know that Zephaniah 3:17 says that the God of the Universe rejoices over us with singing? I have been going through a tough time the past few months and this verse was spoken over me so many times by different people. It was as if the Lord was saying, "Hey, I DO love you and I'm here - even if you don't feel like I am." Every time I would hear this verse it was like I was getting a reassuring hug from my Dad.

I learned that whenever a song would stick around in my head or I would find myself singing something constantly, especially if it's a song that is not a favorite, to begin to listen to what God might be trying to say to me.



This one, by Jimmy Needham, has been running through my head since yesterday and this morning I finally realized that the words are speaking to how I've been feeling the past week. I have been struggling with feeling like I just don't care sometimes, like my joy is fading away. I know that I love God and believe that Jesus is my Savior, but sometimes it feels like I have to work at keeping myself in a right place. And, of course then I can fall into feeling guilty.

But, then I started really paying attention to the song that had been running through my head for the past day and a half. I realized that this is the song that He is singing over me right now and he wants me to know that I'm forgiven, loved, and free. Even when it feels like "my joy has been on holiday and my peace has almost passed away", He is still here and He still loves me. I am so glad!

I'm Going To Work!

YAY!

Honestly, My dream and hope is to eventually be able to stay home with my kids (hopefully there will be small ones again) and just be there for my family. But, right now I need to work and I haven't been working for about four weeks. That can cause some stress! I haven't mentioned it because I didn't want to be a complainer. Remember?

The real reason it makes me so excited is that yesterday during worship I felt the Lord say to me that the weeping had endured for the night, but the morning had finally come.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5b

The night before I had been crying out to him and asking why he did not seem to hear or care. This was His way of telling me that He has heard and He does care.

My Daddy does love me!

So, today I get to go back to work as a Substitute in the classroom at Noah's school, which is something I've been praying for for the past three years. I think that's just the beginning and it made me give a shout of joy this morning.

Can't wait to see what comes next :)

"The Girls"

All my life it seems it has been "Melissa and The Boys". As a kid I was older sister and ONLY sister to two boys, so, naturally whenever anyone spoke of my parents' kids it was "Melissa and The Boys". Then I grew up and found myself as a single mom to two little boys, and it was once again "Melissa and The Boys". Gotta love God's sense of humor, huh?

My brothers and my sons may need counseling someday for identity issues, but that's another post. This one is about "The Girls".

I know I can't share their names here and haven't really decided on code names for them. For now I'll call them C and A, or "The Girls". C is the oldest and she is 12 years old. She has super curly auburn hair and is tall, I think, for a 12 year old. But, then, I'm short so maybe she's just right. She's taller than me, anyway. A is 10 and has long blond hair and is not taller than me :) They both have beautiful crystal blue eyes and are really good girls at heart.

There has been the usual adjustment: a little attitude here and there and some tears. I know it has to be hard for them to be away from their family, especially since it's not the first time and everybody thought last time was a reunification "success story". At least that's what the social workers told us. Their former foster parents and others have said that they had their doubts even then. It really is sad. It's almost like playing Russian Roulette with kids' lives and hoping for the right outcome. I keep wondering where these girls might be right now if they hadn't been placed back home last time, if they had given Mom/Dad a little more time to make sure they were really ready, or maybe if someone had known what would happen and they had just stayed with Mr. and Mrs. T. They tell us these stories that make us cringe. Stories of before they were in foster care the first time and after they went back home. No child should have to live like that and their story isn't nearly as bad as some others' who are in foster care right now.

I have been impressed with their maturity in some areas. They know that it is best for them to be where they are. They understand that they weren't in a safe environment with Mom and Dad and that both Mom and Dad need to get help to overcome the obstacles that keep them from being the parents to them that they ought to be. So far in all this I have still been able to pray for their parents and hope that maybe this time they will be able to gt it right. To turn it around and be what their girls need. I'm surprised by this because I thought that I would have to fight to overcome a grudge at the way they have mistreated their kids and it would be hard to even pray for them. I guess it's God's grace, and some of the stories from those in our congregation that met Dad and say that at one time he was really trying, even bringing them to church once he got them back. I hope it's not too late.

It Was Bound To Happen and One Night It Did....

30 points to the first commenter to guess the song the title came from. It's probably way to easy, but it was perfect. I couldn't resist.



They do say, "Expect the unexpected", don't they?
On Thursday night we got our first call for a placement. It was kind of an emergency thing and they were looking for someone to take two sisters. Possibly just for the weekend or maybe as a more long-term foster care placement. So, that was the expected part. The unexpected part was that they are out of our age range, they're 10 & 12. We thought what would be best for our family was somewhere between infant and six, maybe up to nine. But, don't you know, God knows what's best for everyone involved all the time.

Check this out: Apparently, as we learned a little more, these girls had been in care before. We were told that they were very sweet and the family they were with before just adored them and they adored this family back. Unfortunately this family had moved to North Carolina. After the girls came to our house and were settled in some we were talking about things we do as a family and who they'll get to know when they go to church with us. At the mention of one of those names the oldest sister asks, "What does she look like?" Then she proceeded to describe our Children's Pastor to us and asked what church we went to. God never ceases to amaze me. The little tricks he plays on us! These girls are the ones we had heard so much about from so many in our Care Group. When they were in care before they were with a couple who attended our church, lived in this area, and went to the same church Care Group that we have been a part of for almost three years. Just days before they came someone was mentioning how they hadn't heard from them in a while and Mrs. T (their former foster mom) had lost touch with them. It really helped them to find out that there was that connection to their former foster parents who they really loved.

What an awesome God we serve. I know that's more song lyrics but I really mean those. He even cares enough for these kids to be sure they go somewhere that would help them to feel a little more comfortable in this second time around. I wish it had worked for them the first time, but we are hoping that soon we will see visible evidence of God working all things for good.

Questioning Along the Journey

Hmmm... How to put down what's been on my heart since we finished PRIDE training? I have gone back and forth with myself a million times about this post because I'm not sure I can convey what I'm really feeling, but it won't get out of my head. I do think that others in similar situations, whether adopting from foster care or perhaps even a poverty stricken nation, have felt the same. I believe we need to share with each other so we don't feel alone, I know it wouldn't hurt for me to know I'm not the only one.

This is my ordeal lately. I want to parent more children. Desperately. I have always wanted to be a mom and wanted to be a mom to many. No big deal, right? We're adopting, it will happen eventually.

The thing is the route we have chosen to lead us to our children means that our children will possibly be coming out of horrible circumstances, which will lead to them being taken from their families. Not relinquished by a mother who wants a better life for them or is unable to parent, but taken by the foster care system for the children's own welfare. We're going into this knowing that we may only be meant to be a family for some kids for a time and someday maybe our promised child will come to us through a foster/adopt situation.

It's this maybe that's got me thinking so much lately, and feeling guilty at times too. I have been praying for a long time for this promised baby girl and now that we are finished with PRIDE and actually have a home study I find myself praying even more. Especially on days like today when it seems I am surrounded by others with beautiful little blessings in their arms and I'm reminded of what I want so much but am still waiting for. I pray, and ask God why. "Why did you promise me a baby, Lord, and here I am still waiting?", "Please, Lord, please let them call soon." And usually as soon as this one flies from my lips I am hit with the guilt. I start thinking, "Wait, in order for them to call that will have to mean that they've had to remove a child." That possibly this child has been abused. Does this mean that I am praying for something like this to happen? That's not what I want. I don't want some parents to harm their child so that I can gain. But, yet, I know that it does occur, everyday. Even right here in our small little corner of Virginia. People hurt their kids, they allow them to be put in dangerous situations, and they abandon and neglect them. I have even seen it first-hand when I taught preschool.

So, I'm not trying to say that I want to benefit from this happening but I do know that things like this go on. I am saying that I am glad my family is ready, willing, and able to step to the plate for kids who have been hurt, in one way or another. I think after all the roadblocks that we've hit and how smoothly the training for PRIDE went, and we have such a peace now about working with this team, I think this is the path we were supposed to take all along. We just thought that we could do it our own way for a while and God would just follow along. When He was just waiting for us to take off the blinders and follow him.

So, where does my guilt fall in with all this? If this is the road God wants us on and He has promised us this child we have been praying for then this is how she will be joining our family. I have a lot of questions and not so many answers right now. But, hey, that's the way it often goes! AM I the only one who has ever felt this way?

My Father's Love

Every Sunday morning at church I find myself praying for breakthrough with this adoption. There are so many babies there and all the little girls are off to the right of where we sit dancing and twirling their flags. It's such a sweet sight and always makes me long for a baby of my own. A sweet little girl to dress up and some day watch as she twirls and dances with her Heavenly Daddy. I love watching them but it is kind of bittersweet. Wanting so badly what we are not able to make happen on our own. Waiting with our fate in someone else's hands just to be granted the privilege and blessing of adding another child to our family. Sometimes I think I feel like a woman who is unable to conceive must feel, but then I feel guilty because I have had the pleasure of carrying a child and giving birth. I have that experience where they may never get that chance. I can see now that I did not truly appreciate what a gift it was. I mean, I recognized it was a miracle. I remember staring at Austin and thinking what a miracle he was and how God had entrusted me to care for His little precious ones. But, I took for granted the gift I had been given in being able to conceive and give birth. Now that we no longer have that option I can see that. I'm not saying that if I could get pregnant again we wouldn't adopt. I have actually in the past said that even if we could get pregnant I would want to adopt because there are kids who need families. I also think that God uses the inability to grow your family "on your own" to show that He has more than one plan and to remind us of the orphans.

Anyway, I get a little carried away sometimes. But just really needed to get those feelings out. What I really wanted to share was that during this morning's service watching the beautiful little girls and admiring all the babies was nice. But, the worship was better and I kept praying to see Jesus' face. I have just been so hungry for his presence lately and that along with our adoption has been my plea during every worship service for a few months now. Today He answered in a way that was unexpected and so sweet. Just the way that He knew would get to me. He's so awesome!! This is how He shared himself with me today.



I know it's only a four leaf clover but to me it was Jesus' face today. Is that wrong to say? Or maybe the two lovely gentleman who gave it to me were.

My husband's buddy, Mike and his beautiful little boy D*** saw me sitting on the bench in the foyer. Mike stopped little D*** and whispered to him and then they came over and offered me what they had found.

It's special to me because I have been thinking about clovers for a while now. Even though they are now taking over my flower garden I can't bring myself to pull them out. When I was a little girl I loved them, I was always looking for them in our yard. I always remember the story of Saint Patrick and how he used the three leaf clover to represent the Trinity and the other day I read about how the Chapman's have been comforted by finding four-leaf clovers and feeling that they are God's way of showing that Maria is in God's arms. How beautiful is that?

Is he telling me that he has our baby in his arms and I just need to trust in him? I don't know. I only know that He loves me enough to send someone to find exactly what he knew would speak to my heart and then deliver it to me on a day when I needed it. How can you not love a Father that wonderful?

Slavery

My heart has been burdened for a while now for the little children who are sold into forced prostitution around the world. Saturday night I was so hit with it that I couldn't sleep-I could only pray and plead for their freedom, even waking up after only 45 minutes of sleep in an anxiety attack and I knew that it wasn't like the old panic attacks I use to have years ago. There was a reason behind this one-it was to make me plead for these children, these babies who have no one else to plead their case. At the moment I prayed for the panic to go away, cause I hate it, but the next morning at church I knew that if that's what it takes to get me to pray then I'll take it. If that's all I have to suffer to remember their suffering, then I can handle it.

I'm so grateful to have stumbled upon blogs of those who share my passion for orphans and those who have no one else to love them. Brandi's is one of those. Her passion shines through. I read this post Sunday night and was challenged. I struggle between wanting to get out and fight for those in need and backing down because I can't take it anymore. I can't take their suffering, it's too hard for me at times. That night before bed I looked up compassion in my NIV Study Bible in the Index to Subjects section. These two verses stood out to me. Prov. 24:11-"Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter.", and Is. 21:3-4-"At this my body is racked with pain, pangs seize me, like those of a woman in labor; I am staggered by what I hear, I am bewildered by what I see, My heart falters, fear makes me tremble; the twilight I longed for has become a horror to me." They weren't quite what I expected, yet they said everything I feel.

I have been thinking about all the National prayer movements that we observe. I posted not long ago about Foster Care Prayer Vigil and it has really been laid on my heart to find out if there is a day set aside to pray for freedom for those held in slavery, especially forced prostitution, and if not to put one together. It can't be that hard, right? Just set a date, get the word out, pray, and watch our Abba move.

I don't want to do it on my own, though. I know I am just one and it will take many. Plus, I know myself, and I know that I could easily start to think, "Lookie what I did!" and I don't want to give myself that chance. Please help me to be His Hands and Feet. I want feedback on dates and such. I also need prayer to pray the way He wants, cause I want to pray that all their captors be struck dead and any person who would use a child in such a way die a horrid death. I think my Father would have me pray to change their hearts.

Foster Care Prayer Vigil

I copied the excerpt below from the blog of another mother who is passionate about adoption and the plight of orphans abroad and here at home. Prayer is definitely needed when we are talking about the state of foster care here in the States. Sometimes I think it's not a lack of caring and willing people to step in that is the problem but rather the crud they have to put up with in order to help the kids. I have BTDT and don't have a problem saying that things need to change. I'm realizing that the saying " Be the change you want to see" is right on. Nothing is ever going to change by just talking about it, something has to be done. I believe that prayer is powerful, especially corporate prayer like they are calling for. I hope that thousands of people in churches around our nation get involved with this. I look forward to seeing God work in the foster care system of America, I'm ready to see kids' lives change.

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National Foster Care Prayer Vigil and Your Church

"All of a sudden I was awakened in the middle of the night by people wearing black clothing with badges. I didn't know what was happening ... my brother (Anthony) and I were crying. We were hurt, and we were full of pain. Only God knew what was to become of us.The police took us to the police station. There, they let us sleep in the back of the car until it was morning. The next day Ant and I were taken to a big house to live until our social worker came to take us to a new family ... whenever it was nighttime, I lay awake while Ant was fast asleep. I was crying so much it really hurt, and I was full of sorrow and pain. Sometimes I would even sit at the edge of my bed and call out my mother's name frantically ..."-- Chris, 11, who entered foster care with his brother at ages 5 and 4

Children quietly enter foster care due to circumstances beyond their control, including abuse, abandonment, neglect, and substance abuse on the part of their primary caretakers. They're often shuffled from home to home. Some are eventually returned safely home. Others are blessed through adoption. Unfortunately, so many fall through the cracks and languish for years in group homes, long-term foster homes, and shelters.

Co-sponsored by FamilyLife's Hope for Orphans, Focus on the Family, and Shaohannah's Hope, the first annual National Foster Care Prayer Vigil will be held the week of May 19-25, 2008. During this momentous week, Christians will gather in churches and elsewhere across the United States to go before God in praying for our nation's foster children, as well as their foster and adoptive families, their birth families, and their workers.

Would you consider participating in a prayer vigil in your city? If there is not currently one scheduled, would you consider organizing one? If you are led to participate in or facilitate a prayer vigil in your city, please take the time to visit our website at www.fostercareprayervigil.org to learn how. There you will find materials to help you, as well as a registration page and map displaying local vigils throughout the nation.
For more information, visit www.fostercareprayervigil.org or contact National Coordinator Phoebe Dawson at pdawson@familylife.com.

Orphans of God

I watched the video below and realized that, even though the world sees these children as orphans and they are essentially alone in the world, they are not left alone by the Father of us all. Unfortunately so many of them don't know this, they have no way of even knowing the name of Jesus or the concept of God as Father. My prayer today is that these children would find homes, that they would be granted the happiness of knowing a mom and dad or even just one or the other. But, even more than that I pray that they would be granted a chance to know God as Father, to know the love of Jesus, to see that even though in this world's eyes they are orphans, in God's eyes their are NO orphans.



Jesus, today, please hold each of these little ones in your arms. Let them know your love that will never leave nor forsake them. And, Lord, let us be Your arms to as many as we can reach, Father, drawing them in to our homes and into Your family. Thank you for Your Heart for the Orphans. Amen.

Stealth Evangelism

Today I was thinking as I was wiping down the serving line, this is where my husband would say, "Uh Oh!", and I realized that there's a lot of Stealth Evangelism taking place these days. What I mean by that is when we kind of bring God in to a place without others around us being totally aware of it. The example for today was this, in the cafeteria they had all these little fruits up on the walls to decorate the place and just make it look kind of cheery. Well, all these little fruits had words attached to them and this is what they were, Faithfulness, Goodness, Patience, Love, Joy, Gentleness. I didn't see Self-Control, but I hope it's there too somewhere cause I think every one needs to be reminded of that one from time to time. I know I do. The Fruits of the Spirit(Gal. 5:22-23) were right there on the walls of this cafeteria. I don't know if the person who purchased them or put them up realizes what they are but I think it's awesome that they are there. I pointed out to one of the ladies that that is what they were and she just shrugged and said, "Oh", I don't think she knew what I was talking about. The Bible says the Word of God will not return void (Isaiah 55:10-12). I believe this, so maybe no one else realizes it but God has been let in to the House, in a manner of speaking. Another example is all these schools that are allowing churches to meet in their buildings on Sundays. If any of these churches are anything like mine then the Spirit is moving every Sunday in the four walls of the schools of this nation. I think that's awesome!

That's Stealth Evangelism. I wonder if anyone else knows of any other examples, or what others' opinions on it are. I know that it's important to share the love of Jesus with others openly and obviously but I really think that this is a great way to get it in to some places that otherwise might be somewhat closed. And we have to face it, in many ways schools are closed to anything that remotely resembles the Message in any form.

Finally Ready!

The name says it all. We are finally ready to make the Journey to the Promise that God gave me more than two years ago. Allow me to share our story with you.

I knew when my husband and I got married that we would not be able to have children together. Although I had two boys and he was father to five (yes, you read five), I had always wanted to have a big family and had not planned on ending at my two. Besides that most of his were already grown and they all had moms whom they love(as it should be). I wanted to be mom to at least one more and I really wanted a daughter. I have dreamed of her ever since I was a little girl myself. I prayed about this and we talked about in-vitro, vasectomy reversal, and foster care. None of these seemed to be the answer. Somehow I heard about International Adoption and began to research it and then I mentioned it to Rick. To my dismay he was totally against it, he felt that we could adopt a child domestically easier and with less financial burden. I was not convinced and just kept praying, researching both and sharing with him any inf on the subject. One Sunday morning while in the choir loft at church I was praying and crying out my heart's desire to the Lord. Our Pastor took the Mic from the worship leader and began to share that God had spoken to his heart that there were some there who really wanted a baby and God wanted us to accept the promise that He was making to us at that moment by stepping out in faith and coming to the altar to claim that promise. Of course I did just that with tears streaming and my heart full. It was awesome to know that my Lord heard my cry and cared enough to give me a promise to hold onto.

Of course I wasn't the only wannabe mom to step out in faith that day. There were three other ladies who were standing with me. Today one of them is Mom to two beautiful little girls, she was told she could never have children, she's given birth twice. Another is Mom to a beautiful chubby little 5 month old surprise boy and waiting for their referral of a little girl from Colombia. The third is Mom to an almost one year old perfect little boy. I am the only one still waiting, and it had been hard at times. First I had to wait for my DH to come around, but through a lot of prayer and watching adoption videos, talking about it and yes, some crying. He has come around, and even then the road has not been easy. It seems every time we're ready something happens. First China changed it's rules right as I turned 30, then our furnace broke and money we had planned to use for the adoption went to that, then we were misled by another agency who told us they could help us adopt from China anyway(thank goodness we never gave them any money, just too much time in limbo). Then as if that wasn't enough I lost my job. Sheesh, when it rains it really pours!

Through all of this I have held onto the Promise that God gave to me. I don't believe in coincidences, I know that the promise spoken that day was not just for those other ladies but for me as well. I have not seen the fruit of that promise yet but I am holding onto it. I know that it was for me because my husband is stubborn and only God could have changed his mind and we moved and found a new church where there are five families that I know of who have adopted internationally. I just know that my daughter is coming and the time is getting close. I've been having dreams lately and can't wait until the day I see her face for the first time. My sweet baby girl, she's already becoming so real to me.

We should be starting our Home Study in the next few weeks and then begin our Dossier to send to Vietnam. I am so ready!